Lord Jacula (dreamskinner) wrote,
Lord Jacula


I'm listening to "true colors" and it's shining through to me.  There are people who don't know how important they are in your life because you never tell them.  And then they leave, or take their own life, and you can never tell them.  I was hoping to make our friendship more than text messages and phone calls.

I remember when I first heard his name, back when I was in high school.  A boy liked, I found out, was dating Johnny.  He was just a name at that point.  A year later, the summer after I graduated, and was going to school at the OC, I started going to the Shari's thing with the other gays where I first met him in person.  We a few times there, but he never remembered my name...

After I got called up by the military, i was working active duty at the bremerton armory with the kitsap county emergency services.  Once a week I would see him, and I could never get myself to say hello...I would try online, but it was unsuccesful and came off weird and awkward on both parts.  I quit trying after that.

Another year I was out in Seattle and going to Bars.  I would run into him every few months, again being reintroduced and never getting more than a hello out to him.  I left seattle without saying goodbye.

When I came back in November, I wanted to say my hello and make his acquaintance.  I wanted to be his friend.  I wanted to come back strong and say hello to everyone I never had the courage to do so before.  We exchanged numbers and we spoke a couple times on the phone and exchanged a lot of text messages.  always saying we'll meet later, that one or the other was busy with work or plans or schedule...

I missed his gingerbreak party because of the snow.  I tried to get him out to my new years party.  I texted him 3 days ago to get him to come out and after a few exchanges of text messages, he replied with "I won't be coming out to seattle anytime soon".  By that message and others throughout the night, I should have put them together and realized what was on his mind.  I should have been stronger and called him, talked to him....but I'm weak and I couldn't and my cowardness has......

I wish I was a stronger person......
I'm sorry.
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